Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
