Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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