I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
