someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
