She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
