walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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