I think I won the penis lottery.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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