She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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