Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
