I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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