I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
