kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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