Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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