im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
