Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
