she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
