I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
