If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
