ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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