My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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