you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
