I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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