Where is the hickey?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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