Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
