god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
