I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
