Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
