Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
