Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
