you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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