Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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