if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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