Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
