just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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