I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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