im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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