i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
