I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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