just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is wine microwaveable?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
