dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Congratulations! We have a period
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