Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
