bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
