His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
