i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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