my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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