Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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