This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
