Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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