the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
