her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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