I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
