how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
