I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
