batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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