that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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